Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
that is very illegal...i love you.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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