I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
