I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
