I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just found a bag of teeth...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
