If that was your dad, he is hot
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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