I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
