Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
