she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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