one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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