Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
