even my farts smell like vagina
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
