Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
