I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
