It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
