I showed him my bush... on skype.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
