I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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