the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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