I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
