I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
