You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
