The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
