she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
