I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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