the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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