you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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