Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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