my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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