yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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