I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
