true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
