Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
