I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
