fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
