yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
