I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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