I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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