maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
