omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
