Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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