im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
