I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
