sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
