gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
