i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
