Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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