I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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