i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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