I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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