Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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