there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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