don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
