I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
