"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale