Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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