Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
